E3 2012: Microsoft Press Conference - Minute by minute recap

Alright, he we go. E3 2012. It’s like a weeklong Christmas for the video games industry. The promise of lots of exciting new things to play with being unwrapped and unveiled, followed by the crushing disappointment when you realise there’s very little worth living for and you end up standing at the roadside outside your house hurling drunken obscenities at passing cars and singing “I’m Sexy and I Know It” with your pants round your ankles. Well, that’s how I spend my Christmases. And to think, some of my neighbours call me a loser. When was the last time they were the lead story on the local news?

Anyway, enough about the serious issues in my private life, back to the show. Microsoft has the honour of throwing out the ceremonial first pitch this year, so what can we expect? A new console? Highly unlikely until this time next year. Instead, we’re almost guaranteed to see some of the brightest sparks from the dying embers of this console generation. I’m going with Black Ops 2 to open, Halo 4 to close and some Gears of War and Forza in the middle, plus the usual slew of Kinect and multimedia announcements.

So here we go, Microsoft’s E3 2012 press conferen…sorry, global media briefing. That sounds ominously like something a terrorist organisation would hold right before they were about to do something really despicable. Like unleash a demo of Kinectimals 2, the video gaming equivalent of Sarin nerve gas.   

1^st Min – Lights out. Live action trailer. This looks expensive. Really expensive. There are a ton of actors in this who may have, at one point or another, played a corpse in an episode of CSI. That’s how expensive it is. It’s spacey. There’s a huge starship…No wait, its Bill Gates’ giant wallet floating through space before being sent crashing out of the sky and on to a distant planet by a mysterious force.

2^nd Min – Ah, there’s Master Chief. He’s on the trail of Bill’s giant space wallet. Clever lad. That Spartan armour polish doesn’t come cheap.

3^rd Min – Of course, this is Halo 4. 343 Studios first shot at a Halo game after taking over the reins from Bungie. It looks…like a Halo game on a current generation console. Unlike the last few Halos then, which looked like Halo games running on last generation consoles.

4^th Min – In fact, what it looks most like is the start of Halo 3: lush jungle, small Covenant minions that Chief dispatches with ease…

5^th Min – ...But wait, what was that? New enemies. Big orange glowing robot-like things. Wickedly fast. It take’s Chief some time and more than a considerable degree of effort to put one down. Chief picks up the dropped weapon. It assembles itself in his hand in a very cool way. Cortana says she recognises the design: Forerunner.

6^th Min – Cut to a cinematic. Cortana’s dying, or the AI equivalent of dying: deteriorating. “An ancient evil awakens” says the on-screen text. What, Bill Gates has used his giant space wallet to resurrect Sir Jimmy Savile to be the bad guy in Halo 4?

7^th Min – So that was Halo 4 (no release date, unless I missed one), and here comes Don Mattrick (President of Interactive Entertainment) onto the stage. If Tom Cruise was an aging lounge room singer, he’d be Don Mattrick. I like Don a lot.

8^th Min – Don spends some time telling us how great the Xbox 360 is and how much better it’s going to get. Call me a crazy old conspiracy theorist, but I think someone at Microsoft might have gotten to Don and paid him to say that.              

10^th Min – Next game. Middle Eastern looking setting. An injured soldier being carried by another into a tent. The carrier’s face is hidden behind a headscarf. There are more men inside the tent. Lots of foreign chatter.  A marker icon appears above the head of each man. I’ve seen those icons somewhere before…Bam! Bam! Bam! Everyone’s dead, except headscarf man, who turns out to be Sam Fisher (albeit with what appears to be a different voice; not that of a man who sounds like he’s been gargling quarry water. Has Michael Ironside been replaced?)

12^th Min – It’s Splinter Cell: Blacklist. A group of rouge nations have all clubbing together to launch a series of terrorist attacks called the Blacklist. It’s Sam’s job to stop them. The ‘Mark and Execute’ feature is back and better than ever thanks to ‘Killing in Motion’, a new mechanic that allows Sam to down enemies without pausing or missing a beat. It’s far cooler than I can describe here (if you know what you’re doing). It looks like Jack Bauer on his holidays: slick and brutal.

14^th Min – I’ve lost count of the number of guys Sam’s stabbed in the neck. He’s like a Special Op’s Sweeney Todd. He also scampered up a sheer rock face Nathan Drake-style and you can use Kinect voice commands to distract enemies and call in air strikes. It’s out Spring 2013.

16^th Min – Next on stage is Andrew Wilson of EA Sports.

17^th Min – He’s eulogising about new Kinect integration in EA Sports titles. In FIFA you’ll be able to use voice commands to make substitutions, change formations and swear at the ref. (It should be called ‘Neil Warnock mode’, except Neil Warnock doesn’t have any tactics. Apart from swearing at the ref, of course).

19^th Min – Now legendary San Francisco 49’s quarterback Joe Montana has joined Andrew on stage to show how you can use Kinect to call out plays and audibles in Madden 13.

21^st Min – “That brings back some great memories”, says Joe. Perhaps it might be useful for many of Joe’s peers who took so many brutal hits during their careers that their brains are now fried and they’re suing the NFL.

22^nd Min – Next up is a trailer for Fable: The Journey. A man who looks far too old to be playing Fable: The Journey plays Fable: The Journey. It’s got the trademark Fable cartoon aesthetic to the visuals. It’s for Kinect. It looks like its on-rails (at least partially). You use your body to throw blasts of magic at enemies on screen. The guy is making Ryu-from-Street-Fighter-style moves with his body. There’s no one else with him. Perhaps this is why his family left him.

24^th Min – A couple of trailers next. First, one for the new Gears of Wars: GoW: Judgement. It’s very short. No gameplay, no Marcus, no Dom, no Cole Train, just Baird being put on trial by the Locust. I’m not sure he’s getting a fair hearing here. He doesn’t seem to have any kind of legal representation. Where’s the nearest Citizens Advice Bureau when you need one?

25^th Min – Now a trailer for Forza Horizon. Once again, no gameplay. Colorado is the setting, the scenery is beautiful. A group of cars are racing each other to get to a race!!?? Day turns to night, countryside turns to city, poppy tunes turn to Dubstep. (If you had the 26^th minute in the Dubstep sweepstake, congratulations, you win the ultimate Dubstep fan prize: Cliff Richard’s Greatest Hits. Feel those heavy drops). Forza’s’s out October 23^rd.

27^th Min – Ok, Yusuf Medhi (Head of Marketing and Strategy) is next on deck. He’s here to talk to us about…Oh God, it’s bloody Bing. (If you had the 27^th minute in the Bing sweepstake, congratulations, you win the ultimate Bing fan prize: Cliff Richard’s Greatest Hits – Warning, you may have to fight a violently enraged Dubstep fan to the death to claim your prize).

30^th Min – Yusuf’s now running through a shopping list of new Xbox partners including BBC, Nickelodeon, Paramount Movies, MLB, NBA, NHL, ESPN (no NFL Sunday Ticket though). (Please note, all of these may not be available in your territory. Please note, unless you live in the US, none of these will be available in your territory. Well, maybe the odd one).

34^th Min – Music next. Finally coming to Xbox, “the music service you’ve always dreamt of”. Strange, I’ve never once dreamt of a music service. Most of my dreams involve me inventing the music service that everyone has always dreamt of – and then selling it to Microsoft for shares in Bing. Anyway, Xbox Music looks like it wants to be iTunes meets Facebook. So probably best not to think about floating it on the stock market.

35^th Min – What’s that I hear you cry? “Where’s my Xbox 360 exclusive fitness software program set up in conjunction with a leading worldwide manufacturer of sports clothing and equipment?” Well, it’s here and it’s called Nike+ Kinect Training. It’s the Kinect-based, Nike designed fitness service you’ve always dreamt of. Brought to you by the same company who gave you the Bing-based, iTunes-like music service you’ve always dreamt of.

39^th Min – Basically, it looks a lot like all the other fitness games on the market, especially the ones that already use Kinect. The partnership with Nike, however, means it looks extra comprehensive and hardcore. In short, if you’re seriously into your fitness, this is probably going to be the one to get.

42^nd Min – Marc Whitten (Head of Xbox Live) is now out to introduce us to, “A breakthrough in entertainment that makes all your devices work together intelligently”. I’d wager it’s going to be some form of Robo-butler. No, wait, it’s Xbox SmartGlass.

43^rd Min – SmartGlass is a system that links your 360, TV, tablet and phone. Marc’s watching a film on his tablet which he then transfers to his TV to continue watching right from the point he left off. At the same time, his tablet changes to show information about the film: cast list, characters etc.

44^th Min – Marc’s now watching an episode of Game of Thrones on his TV while his tablet is showing him…wait for it…a map of the Game of Thrones world so he can see exactly (and I mean exactly) where the action on screen is taking place. I’m not sure if this is a terrible application of an interesting idea, or an interesting application of a terrible idea. It’s like NASA building a space shuttle and then using it to fly to the shops and back.

45^th Min – Now a video showing game applications for SmartGlass. You play games on your 360 and TV as normal and your tablet acts as a companion device. Changing and running a play in Madden using your tablet. Accessing Halo Waypoint and seamlessly setting up and switching to a multiplayer match using your tablet…I hope you have a tablet.

47^th Min – Marc’s still going strong. Thanks to SmartGlass, he can now use his phone as a remote control…

49^th Min – Now he’s announcing Internet Explorer is coming to 360. The first browser that actually works on your TV, or something. I swear, I’m losing the will to live here…

51^st Min – …HE’S STILL GOING. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I’ve got my cyanide capsule between my teeth and my revolver to my head. I feel I should record some kind of final video message for my family, but my iPad’s stuck on a frigging Game of Thrones map.

52^nd Min – Oh, thank God, it’s over. Here’s Crystal Dynamics with the new Tomb Raider. I think it’s fair to say that at last year’s E3 the Tomb Raider demo met with some negative feedback due to its reliance on quick time events and moments when it teetered on the edge of torture porn.

54^th Min – This looks much better. Mountainous jungle setting, Lara taking out bad guys with a crossbow, flying down zip lines. Wow, she’s setting light to arrows now and setting guys on fire. “I’m on fire” one shouts. He better hope Crystal Dynamics haven’t done a 38 Studios with their employee health insurance plan.

56^th Min – It’s not all one way traffic, though. Lara gets swept over a waterfall and down some rapids. She’s taking what Bjorge Lillelien would describe as, “One hell of a beating”. She lands in an old aeroplane balanced perilously on the edge of another huge drop. She just manages to grab a parachute as it falls and part glides, part crash lands to the ground hitting trees as she goes. It looks like Uncharted meets The Hunger Games, meets St Trinian’s. The first piece of DLC will be available first on 360.

58^th Min – Phil Spencer’s just announced that the next three titles we’re going to see are all world premier exclusives. This could be huge…

59^th Min – …The first game is Ascend: New Gods. It’s from Signal Studios (the guys who made Toy Soldiers). It’s a God of War meets Warhammer knock off (God of Warhammer?). It’s out next year.

60^th Min – Second game…I’m not sure. I think it’s called LocoCycle, but it might be called Iris. No gameplay, just some sweeping shots of a Tron-style bike while a computerised woman’s voice talks about assassination over the top. It’s from Twisted Pixel. It’s coming in 2013.

61^st Min – Third game. It’s from Gore Verbinski (Pirates of the Caribbean, Rango). It’s all very futuristic. It looks like Wheatley from Portal 2 playing Marble Madness inside Tron. (Those Microsoft guys, they love their Tron, eh). It’s called Matter. No gameplay (again). Oh crap, it’s for Kinect.

62^nd Min – …When you heard me say back at minute 58 that, “This could be huge”, what I actually said was, “This could be hugely underwhelming”. You just moved on before I had the chance to finish.

63rd Min – Right, business is about to pick up. Here comes Resident Evil 6. Urban setting. Cars and buildings on fire. Lots of brain dead humans groaning and milling around. Is this set during last year’s London riots? There’s Leon. Leon, for the love of God, hide your PSP. They’re coming for your PSP!

64^th Min – Leon helps an injured woman to her feet. Now there’s a helicopter shooting at him. He rolls on the ground before ducking down an alley. He’s on his way to try and rescue some survivors, shooting zombies with his pistol and shotgun as he goes or dispatching them with his knife or grenades. The woman he helped still seems to be with him and carrying her own gun. She’s never on screen though and doesn’t seem to be helping Leon clear a path.

65^th Min – Leon’s movements look fluid. He gazes out on a burning cityscape. “What happened Chris?” he asks out loud. (I assume he’s referring to Chris Tarrant…or Redfield, it could be Chris Redfield…It would be better if it was Tarrant, though…The Tarrant Tyrant would be a great final boss).  Now he’s hand-to-hand fighting with some zombies then dishing out some duel-wielding pistol damage before fleeing a massive explosion as a fighter jet falls out of a high rise building.

66^th Min – Chris and the girl jump onto a helicopter just in time to avoid the flames. But the helicopter’s going down. The pilot’s dead…no wait…he’s a zombie. The chopper hits a train then crashes through an office building. (This is a carbon copy of my last Ryanair flight. Someone will be coming round with £10 packs of sandwiches in a minute). No wait, they’ve finally finished landing/crashing, but they’re surrounded by a sea of zombies. “Not my lucky day” mutters Leon. Well son, you go with a no frills airline and this is what you get. Sometimes you have to spend a bit to save a bit.

68^th Min – Alex Ruiz (Xbox Live Team) takes to the stage. “Imagine a game that combines giant cannons (Ok), tons of explosives (sure), massive castles infested with goblin (great)…and…the power of Kinect (damn). It’s called Wreckateer and it looks like a Fable version of Angry Birds in 3D. You use body movements to fire a large catapult and add aftertouch to shots as they fly through the air. It’s out this summer.

70^th Min – Next up is a trailer for South Park: The Stick of Truth. Needless to say, it looks genuinely funny. Full of trademark SP humour. Now here come South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone to talk about the game. Needless to say, they’re genuinely funny. They’ve been working with Obsidian to make the game look as crappy as an episode of South Park does. You play the new kid who’s moved into town and teams up with the boys for an epic adventure.

74^th Min – Harmonix logo on screen now. Is there anyone who’s not expecting this to be Dance Central 3? It is DC3. You can learn dance crazies from the past (The Hustle) and from today (The Dougie). It looks like another Dance Central. Are they going to have some sort of special feature artist this time around? I’m going to guess Steps (I believe they’re currently in the process of throwing away what little dignity they had left in the hopes of making a comeback). Excerpts from a taped interview with Usher are now being shown. (I’d like to change my guess from Steps to Usher). He explains he’s been helping with choreography…

75^th Min – …And now here he is live on stage, singing his new single, Scream, complete with dancers and a new dance routine that looks like it would be a perfect fit for a dance-based video game. (Someone at Harmonix should get his number).

76^th Min – That said, based solely on his moves here, to me he just looks to me like a sex offender with rhythm.

78^th Min – Don Mattrick’s back on stage. I wonder if Don’s an Usher fan? I reckon he could more than hold his own as a member of Usher’s dance crew. The Dougie is so 2009, the time for The Donnie is now.

79^th Min – It’s big wrap up time. Don’s talking about a new golden age for gaming. Could he have one final ace up his sleeve?...It’s The Donnie: The Video Game…No, wait….It’s Black Op’s 2.

80^th Min – We’re in downtown L.A. A squad of soldiers riding in the back of a Hummer with the US President. Apparently terrorists are turning the city into a warzone and getting her to safety is going to be tricky. (Yes, you can tell it’s a near future game because the president’s female. It was either that or a robot…or a female robot. If she does turn out to be a female robot I want it placed on record that I had that first).

81^st Min – Ok, I can now confirm this is a Call of Duty game. We’ve just had our first helicopter fall out of the sky in slow motion.

82^nd Min – Now I’m no military man (well, not that I can talk about, anyway), but I’d say judging by all the explosions around them, that this convoy’s under attack. The Hummer’s been hit, so now it’s time for the good old CoD blur-o-vision as you try to recover your senses. One of the other soldiers is shouting “Agent Jones” at you. Well, if you have lost your memory it’s not the hardest name to pick up.

83^rd Min – Jones has managed to clamber into a missile turret and is taking out enemy fighter planes. I really don’t need to describe this. It’s just page after page from the Call of Duty playbook.

87^th Min – In moments of note, Jones uses a futuristic sniper rifle to take out enemies hiding behind solid cover. There are also small flying armoured drones buzzing around at point.

89^th Min – Now Jones is hopping into a fighter jet and taking to the skies. It looks very much like the semi on-rails flying section from the original Black Op. That time you were piloting a helicopter through a jungle in the recent past. Here, you’re piloting a fighter jet through an urban jungle in the near future.

90^th Min – And that’s it. End of demo. End of press conference. Definitely not the greatest, certainly not the worst. I’m off to track down Bill Gates’ space wallet using a map on my tablet. Hope you have a great E3.