Go forth and multiplayer - Cliff Bleszinski's Epic fail

For years, many of us had to endure a constant hectoring from Japan-o-snob gaming friends. Culturally and intellectually they were clearly our superiors. Speaking in hallowed tones about Akihabara like it was heaven’s electronics department. Claiming that after touching Ryozo Tsujimoto at Tokyo Game Show they’d been miraculously cured of their Monster Hunter Claw repetitive strain injury. They even had a sealed copy of Terranigma they’d brought off eBay. Okay, so they were down a kidney as a result, but dialysis is a much less painful procedure when you’re filled with such a strong sense of self-satisfaction.

My, how times have changed. Such has been the speed of stagnation in Japanese game design that, despite the fact that us uncouth Westerners spend our days uncontrollably drooling like lobotomised Neanderthals at the latest knuckle-scrapping shooter, we’re now regarded as the progressive ones.

Japanese developers probably thought things couldn’t get any worse. That was until they saw the cultural attaché for dude-bro nation, Cliff Bleszinski, roadie running over the horizon to save the Land of the Rising Sun from being fully eclipsed.

In a recent interview with Gamasutra (http://www.gamasutra.com/view/feature/170144/what_if_ cliff_ran_the_world.php) the design director of meathead melodrama Gears of War went weapons free with his thoughts on how Japanese games, and a scattershot selection of other popular IPs, could be improved.

Now, to be completely fair to Cliff, he clearly states that he’s thinking off the cuff and it’s refreshing to hear such a prominent figure speak with such candour. For those reasons, I don’t mind his egotism couched in altruism, or his self-superiority, which he manages to reign in just shy of mailing out an aid package of “What would Cliffy do?” wristbands to his peers.  I’m not even that worried about the fact that the ideas he’s promulgating sound either recycled, shallow, riddled with potential problems or all of the above.

What I do object to, is his apparent assertion that games are virtually incapable of survival as full priced, let alone Triple-A, releases unless they include some form of multiplayer; and the implication that the reason for Japan’s  current travails lies in its designers’ disregard for this fact and their failure to embrace the incorporation of multiplayer with more sincerity.

The overemphasis on the importance of multiplayer is one of the most unfortunate and costly myths currently distracting the video game industry. It’s the decisive ingredient in so very few games. The fortunate few that manage to capture the zeitgeist like lightening in a bottle for longer than their allotted 15 minutes of fame, and make being beholden to other players improve rather than detract from the experience.

For all the rest, the vast majority of games, the idea that the single player only ones are destined for a future scrapping for survival on the downloadable undercard is seriously misplaced.

Mario Galaxy, Fallout 3, Shadow of the Colossus, L.A. Noire, Heavy Rain and Cliffy’s beloved Silent Hill 2 all owe their success to their unflinching single player focus. Kane and Lynch’s Fragile Alliance provided a clever twist on the already stale uniformity of multiplayer shooter conventions, but neither it nor Eidos’ excessive flexing of its marketing muscles on the game’s behalf paid any dividends. Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood and Red Dead Redemption both made a killing, but in each case, the adroit multiplayer was merely an accessory after the fact.  

The reality is that multiplayer remains much more a Pandora’s Box than a panacea. Competitive multiplayer would not have salvaged Vanquish’s lacklustre sales. Ditto Shadows of the Damned and co-op.  And simply adding a second player into SotD’s story would have necessitated an awkward reconfiguring of many of the game’s areas and a dilution of the engagingly bawdy central relationship between Garcia and Johnson.

Cliff’s insinuation that Western games are inherently superior because of the gung-ho approach they’ve adopted to multiplayer is ill-conceived. And his passionate words urging his Japanese counterparts not to just tack on multiplayer would have been much more valuably directed at Western game designers.

While it’s true that fear of change may currently be the most prominent factor stifling Japan, in the West, fear of nonconformity has had an equally detrimental effect. It’s hard to fit in and stand out at the same time, and in Western games, multiplayer has become an unwarranted expectation that’s leading increasingly to a dull and predictable homogenization not just within genres, but across them.

In fact, Japan’s more considered and circumspect approach to multiplayer – often only including such options if they naturally stem from and enhance the core creative vision such as in Monster Hunter or Demon’s Souls – is, if anything, closer to Cliff’s ideology. He just doesn’t seem to realise that, or that the last thing any game maker, Japanese or otherwise, should do is surrender their aspirations or deform or compromise their identity.

Rather than becoming second-rate Western bootleggers, Japan’s game makers just need to concentrate on producing Japanese games of genuine quality. Most Western games (like, to take a completely random example, Gears of War) make little in the way of compromises to try and court Eastern markets and don’t sell anywhere near as well in those territories as a consequence. That doesn’t make them lesser achievements.

It’s always tempting to allow yourself to be seduced by what’s currently in vogue, but the present state of the MMO realm should be more than enough of a warning of the kind of painful injuries that can result from trying to jump on a passing bandwagon. I like Cliff, I like Gears, I like multiplayer, but in no way do I want any of them to dictate the future of game design any more than they currently do. And Cliff lecturing Fumito Ueda and Co. on how to make games is a bit like Michael Bay lecturing Hayao Miyazaki on how to make films. The great Japanese auteurs turn game development into an art. For Bleszinski, it remains very much a craft.   

It would be easy at this point to lazily throw down the gauntlet to Cliff and suggest that, if he is the fabled game-whisperer he claims to be, that he take a sabbatical from work, buy a plane ticket and go and prove me wrong. But I think I’ve got a better idea.

Instead, I’d like to see him riding into downtown Tokyo on a homemade Brumak to rescue/capture a selection of impressionable Japanese developers before extracting them to a life of mind-altering multiplayer and limited colour pallets in the West by moving them from one handily placed bit of cover to the next all the way back to U.S of A.

Once on friendly soil, the unwitting dissident designers would be forced to appear in a new reality TV show called The Apren-Cliff (I know, that doesn’t quite scan, but its close enough). Split into two teams (Team Marcus and Team Dom), each week they’d compete to create new multiplayer experiences (which Cliff would own the exclusive rights to) and, as the climax to each programme, rather than being fired and sent home in embarrassment, the weakest performing prisoner (sorry, designer) would receive a ceremonial teabagging from Cliff before being chainsawed in half. It may not be big, it may not be clever, but it would make a hell of a lot of money and that, Cliff, sounds like an Epic multiplayer experience to me. 

FIFA 12: UEFA Euro 2012 Predict-o-rama - Part 5

My friend Chris, my brother Tim and I are battling it out with the excellent UEFA Euro 2012 downloadable add-on for FIFA 12 to see who’ll be the master match predictor across all of the games at Euro 2012.

The rules are simple: 3 points if you predict the outcome of a match exactly right (e.g. you say England will beat France 2-0 and they do). 1 point if you get the result right but the score wrong (e.g. you say England and France will draw 2-2 and they actually draw 1-1).

After the quarter finals, the current scores are:

Tim: 27

FIFA: 22

Chris: 18

James: 16

Just four teams left then: the Germans, who look great going forward, but not so good in defence; the Portuguese, who look great when Ronaldo’s on form, but nowhere near as good when he’s not; the Spanish, who look great in possession, but not so good when they don’t field a striker, and the Italians, who look like intergalactic champions of the universe when they play against England, but nowhere near as good when they play against any side that doesn’t include Ashley Young.

Here are our semi-final predictions:

Semi-Final 1

Portugal v Spain

James – As Laurent Blanc pointed out, the problem for any side playing against Spain is that they have to alter their approach to deal with the fact that they’re probably only going to have the ball for about a third of the game. Spain can be more than a little careless at the back, so I think Portugal can nick one, but the Spanish will triumph 2-1 (possibly with another penalty) in another tight and technical game very reminiscent of their last outing against France. FIFA has Spain winning 2-0 with Ronaldo having one of the most frustrating nights of his life. 

Chris – After a relatively easy passage against a disappointing France, Spain are still many people's favourites. I quite fancy a shock result though if Portugal can gain the courage to attack instead of just contain. An early goal from Ronaldo will open the game up and give us one of the most entertaining semi-finals for a long time. 3-2 Portugal. (Of course if I'm wrong and there's no early goal it could be the worst semi-final for a long time and go to pens)

Tim – Victory is close, but not yet close enough. My head says play safe, go for a Spain win, but I'm still convinced that there will be an upset in this tournament. I just can't decide whether it will be in this game, the other semi-final or both. Earlier in the tournament predictions came easy, but now my powers are waning. 2-1 to Portugal, I don't like Ronaldo, but I like the way they play.

Predictions: FIFA 0-2; Chris 3-2; Tim 2-1; James 1-2.

Semi-Final 2

Germany v Italy

James – Man, this was a tight game on FIFA. Chances were at a premium, and it was no surprise when the game headed into extra time. What was surprising, however, was that, as both sides tired, huge gaps started to appear and the match devolved/grew into a thrilling shot-fest which Germany won 2-1, with Balotelli and Di Natale both missing great chances in the dying minutes. Personally, I think the Italians will still be fatigued after their laboured late night mauling of the English on Sunday. The Germans will be fresher, more clinical and driven by the best chance they’ve had in years to put a beating on perhaps their biggest boogie team. Close for a while with the German’s eventually winning comfortably 3-0.

Chris – Now that England have gone I'm tempted to say 'who cares?' With regard to this result as everyone will want the winner of the other semi to win the final. I can see this being the opposite of the other semi with Italy looking to stay tight throughout. Another penalty shootout after a 0-0 but this time Pirlo will miss and Germany will go through 3-2 on pens.

Tim – This one will be close, 0-0 after full time, Germany to win on penalties. Again. Having showed them how not to play against Italy, the Germans will get someone a lot closer to Pirlo.

Predictions: FIFA 2-1 (after E.T.); Chris 0-0 (Germany win on penalties); Tim 0-0 (Germany win on penalties); James 3-0. 

FIFA 12: UEFA Euro 2012 Predict-o-rama - Round 4

My friend Chris, my brother Tim and I are battling it out with the excellent UEFA Euro 2012 downloadable add-on for FIFA 12 to see who’ll be the master match predictor across all of the games at Euro 2012.

The rules are simple: 3 points if you predict the outcome of a match exactly right (e.g. you say England will beat France 2-0 and they do). 1 point if you get the result right but the score wrong (e.g. you say England and France will draw 2-2 and they actually draw 1-1).

After the final round of group matches, the current scores are:

Tim: 25

FIFA: 17

Chris: 15

James: 12

So, here we go then, the final furlong of this epic race that started out with Europe’s 16 finest fillies is upon us. But which prize-winning pony will be first past the post in Kiev on 1^st July? The Czech’s or the Portuguese who were both slow out of the stalls? The thoroughbred Germans with their “Vorsprung horse Technik”? Or The Greeks, who, for various reasons, no one’s willing to put their money on? Can the French go from cheval noir to championes? Will the Italian stallions win it by a (Roman) nose, the English by a nag’s head (Andy Carroll)? Or will it be the Spanish Lone Ranger, Fernando Torres, riding off into the sunset with silver once again.

Here are our predictions:

Quarter Final 1

Czech Rep. v Portugal

James – I think it’s fair to say that both these teams have grown into something of a pleasant surprise as the tournament has gone on. FIFA says that this will be a tight match with the Portuguese taking a two goal lead, only for the Czech’s to fall just short of pegging them back. I’m going 3-0 to Portugal who have been very impressive defensively, have a Ronaldo who now seems to be back to form and are playing against a team who I think were slightly lucky to come out of the ‘Group of Meh’. 

Chris – To quote our former glorious England Manager, Steve McLaren, ‘it’s squeaky bum time’ now. This is where it gets serious. As a Liverpool fan I’m used to late comebacks, but I think even they would struggle to pull back the Istanbul-style deficit that I’m currently experiencing in this mini-league. But everyone loves the underdog, so here we go! Ronaldo has started to come to life in this tournament and the Czechs were far from convincing during the group stages. I think they will challenge Portugal but Ronaldo will continue to grow into this tournament. 2-1 Portugal to win.

Tim – After a week that has seen me change my name to Predictasaurus, I’m ready for the next round. Chris is trying everything, James needs to try something. I can recommend the rune stones popularised by Mystic Meg in the early days of the National Lottery. Anyway, this one will be 1 – 2 to Portugal now that Ronaldo has found his swagger. A late comeback from the Czech’s won’t be enough.

Predictions: FIFA 1-2; Chris 1-2; Tim 1-2; James 0-3.

Quarter Final 2

Germany v Greece

James – Congratulations to Greece for getting this far; commiserations to Greece for going out to the superior Germans, who march on ominously once again. FIFA has the final score as 3-0, I think it will be 2-0 as the Karagounis-less Greeks mix stubborn resistance with insubstantial attacking threat.   

Chris – From nowhere Greece pulled off the Group Stage shock so far by managing to qualify ahead of Russia. This is where their party ends however as fate is once more pulling Germany and England together for a semi-final date. The German defence will prove too strong for Greece to penetrate resulting in a tidy 2-0 win to Germany.

Tim – 2-0 to Germany, surely the Greeks can’t get any further? Podolski and Podolski.

Predictions: FIFA 3-0; Chris 2-0; Tim 2-0; James 2-0. 

Quarter Final 3

Spain v France

James – Recent Spanish teams haven’t fully got fully into their stride in international competitions until the knockout phase begins, and I think it will be a similar story here. The French, on the other hand, seem to be going the opposite way. FIFA has Spain winning 2-1 in extra time. I don’t think it will be as close as many others do. I’m saying 3-1 Spain.

Chris – Despite some assertions from the Spanish camp that this squad is better than that which won the world cup two years ago, Spain have largely struggled to display the flowing football we have become accustomed to. Will they or wont they have a recognised striker at the start of this game? I think not, which will give France a chance. 1-1 after extra time but Spain to win on Penalties 3-1 (Note to editor: I want 20 bonus points if I get all of this right!). (Note from Editor: I’m not sure 20 points is going to be enough to help you, mate).

Tim – I’m not sure why, but I think France will pull off a shock here and win 2-1 after going a goal behind. This will be a game of 2 halves.

Predictions: FIFA 2-1; Chris 1-1 (Spain to win 3-1 on penalties); Tim 1-2; James 3-1.

Quarter Final 4

England v Italy

James – What is it about England and the way we always seem to wilfully distort our view of our national team? We’re either uncultured no-hopers or world champions in waiting, and as soon as Wayne gets his transplanted barnet on a cross, we ignore the fact that it’s a squad of players like Gerrard, Welbeck, Walcott, Carroll, Terry, Lescott, Cole, Hart and Johnson that have actually got us this far. When expectations were realistic and we were much more than a one man team, we did pretty well. Now the pendulum is swinging back in the other direction and I think it’s going to knock us straight out of the competition: 2-1 to Italy. FIFA has Italy progressing on penalties after extra time finished 1-1. 

Chris – It’s the big one and, as alluded to earlier, I think fate is pulling England and Germany together again for a semi-final date. Expect Carroll to start in place of Wellbeck and for him to unsettle the deep sitting Italian backline. Balotelli will get sent off as Lescott and JT wind him up and England will stay true to form and sneak a 1-0 win.

Tim – 1-0 to England, similar to the Ukraine game. There’ll be nervous moments & we won’t play that well, but we’ll get through. Ashley Young.

Predictions: FIFA 1-1 (Italy win on penalties); Chris 1-0; Tim 1-0; James 1-2.

FIFA 12: UEFA Euro 2012 Predict-o-rama - Round 3

My friend Chris, my brother Tim and I are battling it out with the excellent UEFA Euro 2012 downloadable add-on for FIFA 12 to see who’ll be the master match predictor across all of the games at Euro 2012.

The rules are simple: 3 points if you predict the outcome of a match exactly right (e.g. you say England will beat France 2-0 and they do). 1 point if you get the result right but the score wrong (e.g. you say England and France will draw 2-2 and they actually draw 1-1).

After the second round of matches the current scores are:

Tim: 21

FIFA: 14

Chris: 9

James: 8

So it’s Tim currently leading the way in comprehensive fashion. In fact, I can’t remember a more dominant display of strength in Europe since a certain someone else rolled into Poland around 70 years ago. FIFA sits in an impressive second place, while Chris and I languish at the bottom, scrapping it out in Fight Club-esque style in the dingy Euro basement.

With the last round of group games now upon us, there’s a massive amount still up for grabs. Can the Poles continue to fly the flag for the host nation or will it once again be a case of Czechs bouncing at Greece’s expense. In Group B, can the Dutch dike boys finally pull their finger out or will they be left with a Portu-galling feeling as Ron seals the win by finally locating the woodwork. After suffering from a nasty case of Torres syndrome last time out (“I can’t believe he’s scored a-$*%*ing-gain”), Ireland will need to do some match-fixing of their own to bung up the Italians. And in Group D, will Roy Hodgson be able to utter the immortal words “Ukraine, I saw, I conquered” against Shevchenko and, er, Co.

Let’s get on with the predictions:  

Group A

Czech Rep. v Poland

James – It’s do-or-die time in Group A and this is set to be a real nail-biter of a 90 minutes.  The simulated game on FIFA really lived up to the hype, with a real barn-burner of a match that ended 2-2. I would love the Poles to progress, the comeback draw against Russia will have given them newfound belief, but I’m still not sure they’re clinical enough at converting their chances. My head says 1-1, but what the hell, 1-2 to Poland with a late Lewandowski goal sending Warsaw and an entire nation into wonderland.

Chris –  Nevermind do or die time in Group A – its do or die time for me now in this predictor league. After an abysmal second round of predictions I’m now tempted to put for each prediction ‘whatever Tim says’. The direct line he has to Platini is clearly making the big difference here. Anyway here we go – the Czech Republic to end the host’s dreams with a late winner from Baros – 2-1 Czech Republic.

Tim – 1-1. Tense, too tense for either side to break the deadlock late on.

Predictions: FIFA 2-2; Chris 2-1; Tim 1-1; James 1-2

Greece v Russia

James – On paper, this game sounds like it’s on a knife edge. Greece must win, Russia mustn’t lose. That said, however, nothing I’ve seen in this group so far convinces me that Greece can get anything from this game. Russia stamp their place in the last 8 with authority and a 3 goals to nil scoreline. FIFA says 2-0 to Russia.

Chris – Greece have failed to ignite the tournament in any way so far. This is set to continue as the curtain comes down for them. 2-0 Russia.

Tim – 0-2 to Russia. The Greeks just haven’t got enough attacking flair in their locker to get anything out of this. The Russians will put on an impressive display after their frustration against Poland.

Predictions: FIFA 0-2; Chris 0-2 ; Tim 0-2; James 0-3 

Group B

Denmark v Germany

James – Despite their impressive performances so far, FIFA can’t see Denmark getting anything from this game with the Germans strolling to a 2-0 win. As with the Polish, I would like to see the Danes progress and I think that a draw wouldn’t be too disagreeable a result for either side, so I’m going 1-1.

Chris – I’ve noticed James is starting to predict based on who he would like to see progressing. I would criticise this but any way of predicting other than what I am doing seems to work better. I’m tempted to start rolling two dice to see what happens. Hmmm, 6-6 may be slightly unrealistic. Germany clinically close this group off 3-1.

Tim – 0-2 to Germany. The Germans will make the Danes look like the average side we all expected them to be. Muller & Klose from the bench.

Predictions: FIFA 0-2; Chris 3-1; Tim 0-2; James 1-1;

Portugal v Netherlands

James – The Dutch must win to stand any chance of advancing, and I think they will, finally coming alive and triumphing 1-3, only to be left heartbroken (and hating the Germans more than ever) by the draw in the other game. FIFA also sees the Netherlands finishing victorious but 2-3 in a frantic match that’s even more of an emotional rollercoaster than an Arjen Robben substitution.

Chris – Two predicted Dutch wins so far and two tragic losses. This could be the Ronaldo v Robben show though I have a feeling Van Persie will build on his previous goal and take this for the Dutch, leaving us with 3 teams on 3 points to cue lengthy debates about who goes through on goal difference, better records against the other teams etc. 2-1 to the Netherlands.

Tim – 1-1. The Dutch will fail to impress again and go out with a whimper. There will be penalty drama in this game.

Predictions: FIFA 2-3; Chris 1-2 ; Tim 1-1; James 1-3;

      

Group C

Croatia v Spain

James – Poor old Croatia. If they had switched fixtures with Italy I think they would have made the quarter finals. As it is, Spain have stopped trying to be a cross between a self-parody and a footballing art instillation and are now growing menacingly into their role as defending champions thanks to those unfortunate, unintentional motivational experts: The Irish. The Spanish will have too much quality and too much possession and win 1-2. FIFA ‘s thinking is along similar lines, although it has Spain slightly more comfortable victors 1-3.

Chris –  I’ve just realised the dice strategy will never, ever give me a clean sheet for any prediction – so yet another imperfect way of trying to predict this game. That said, I don’t think there will be a clean sheet here either. Spain have now warmed up and Torres has realised that to score he has to put it in the goal not over it. 3-1 Spain this time.

Tim – 1-1. Bit of a shock but Croatia will defend resolutely and score a goal from a set piece.

Predictions: FIFA 1-3; Chris 1-3; Tim 1-1; James 1-2;

Italy v Rep. of Ireland

James – Ireland have far too much pride and passionate support to just slink away from Euro 2012 without even a whimper. They’ll make it tough for the Italians and will almost have the deciding say on which two teams progress from Group C. In the end though, Italy will grind out the 2-0 win they need to move on. FIFA sees this game as a nice way for Italy’s strikers to sharpen their skills ready for the quarter finals. Both Balotelli and Cassano netted (along with a Pirlo free kick) in a 3-0 win.

Chris – My search for a foolproof way of predicting goes on – apparently Paul the predicting Octopus is no longer available for such work. Ireland’s confidence has been well and truly destroyed by an abysmal showing so far. On the other hand, Italy just need a spark to ignite their tournament. The removal of Balotelli from their team will prove crucial and Di Natale will seize his opportunity with both hands. 2-0 for Italy.

Tim – 0-2 to Italy, Rep of Ireland won’t be able to break down the Italian style of defending.

Predictions: FIFA 3-0; Chris 2-0; Tim 2-0; James 2-0;

  

Group D

England v Ukraine

James – I’m not sure what the Ukrainian is for ‘squeaky bum time’, but here we go with England once again. Stupidly giving the ball away could be our national sport, but the Ukraine will be feeling the weight of a nation on their shoulders. An error-strewn, ding-dong, England-move-on of a match. 2-2. FIFA gave this one to England 3-1 with Roy’s boys hitting twice on the break as the Ukrainians press for a winner.

Chris – I write this whilst the Sweden v England game is at the 64^th minute and Theo Walcott has made the last 25 minutes much more interesting. The more I watch England, the more I feel like I’m watching my home team of Liverpool, and that’s not just because we have 6 players in the squad. Whatever the result of that game I can’t see anything other than an England win in this one. The returning Rooney will show us what we have been missing with a commanding performance to lead us to a 2-0 win.

Tim –  1-1. Nervous, nervous moments, but we’ll advance with a draw.

Predictions: FIFA 3-1; Chris 2-0; Tim 1-1; James 2-2.

Sweden v France

James – As team bonding exercises go, this mini-break to Eastern Europe has been a bit of a disaster for the Swedes. If Ibrahimovic hadn’t been so selfish, they could have beaten England. As it is, he, his miserably arrogant face and poncy pony tail will already have their bags packed when they take their first class seats to watch France cruise into the next round. 0-2. FIFA can’t see Sweden being able to salvage anything out of this game either, but it has them losing by just a solitary goal.  

Chris – I predicted England and Sweden would draw in the last round. If that is the case then Sweden must win this to stand a chance of going through. France will be desperate not to lose and likely to come and park the team bus across their goal line. Could this be our first 0-0 of the tournament?

Tim – 0-2. A comfortable win for France which will mirror their performance against the Ukraine, minus the storm. Ibrahimovic will look like he’s not bothered, but really he is.

Predictions: FIFA 0-1; Chris 0-0; Tim 0-2; James 0-2.

Well, there you go. We’ll be back on 20^th June with our quarter final predictions. See you then.

FIFA 12: UEFA Euro 2012 Predict-o-rama - Round 2

My friend Chris, my brother Tim and I are battling it out with the excellent UEFA Euro 2012 downloadable add-on for FIFA 12 to see who the master match predictor is across all of the games at Euro 2012.

And what a start to the tournament it’s been. We’ve seen Poland paralysed by fear, the Czech’s pummelled by the Russian, the Danes stun the Dutch, the Germans squeak past the Portuguese, Spain going 4-6-0, Ireland going AWOL, England and France playing to a sweaty stalemate and the Swedes swept aside by the Shevchen-show.

After the second round of matches the current scores are:

Tim: 9

FIFA: 7

Chris: 5

James: 3

So, without further ado, let’s crack on with the second round of match predictions:   

Group A

Greece v Czech Rep.

James - We’ve only just finished the opening round of games, but the Czech’s could be the first team eliminated if they lose here and Russia beat Poland. The Czech’s were terrible against Russia. There was no protection from the midfield for a defence that seemed to be on a group blind date. Greece don’t seem to be the dour defensive side everyone had them pegged as. I think Salpingidis starts this time and Greece win 2-1. FIFA predicts this one will be a 1-1 draw.  

Chris – After a mediocre first round of predictions I’m hoping for a little more accuracy this time around and really don’t think the Czech republic could be quite so bad two games running. That said Greece showed they are no pushover in their first game and I can see this being a 1-1.

Tim – A Czech win will blow this group wide open, 2-1, Milan Baros will turn back time with a couple of near misses, leaving other team mates to score.

Predictions: FIFA 1-1; Chris 1-1; Tim 1-2; James 2-1;

Poland v Russia

James – FIFA has a 2-1 win here for Russia, who looked very impressive flat track bullies in their opening game. I have Russia winning too but by 3 goals to 1. Poland remind me a lot of South Africa at the last World Cup, with the weight of expectations dragging them down out of the top two places in the group.

Chris – Poland showed some attacking spirit in their first game but without the vital cutting edge that you need at the top level of international football. I can see them grabbing a goal again here but defensively they will be unpicked by a superior Russian attack. 3-1 Russia to set themselves up as a real threat for the rest of the tournament, especially when pre-tournament favourites have had a slower start.

Tim – The Russians will be brought back down to earth by a resilient Polish team who will take an early lead. This one will finish 1-1.

Predictions: FIFA 1-2; Chris 1-3; Tim 1-1; James 3-1;

Group B

Denmark v Portugal

James – The Group of Death is already living up to its billing, and once again, it throws up two fascinating matches. Demark did brilliantly without playing brilliantly to hold off Holland in their opener and I think they’ll be just as awkward an opponent here. While being an England fan can be a pretty wretched experience, being a Portuguese fan is possibly even worse. Denmark topped them in the qualifying group they shared. Here I see a draw suiting both (just about) but it won’t be a dull one: 2-2. FIFA says 2-1 Portugal.

Chris – The Danes pulled off the shock of the tournament so far with their first game win over the Netherlands. Portugal have got the potential to cause them a lot of problems in this game but may experience a similarly frustrating game as the Dutch did. I’m calling a 1-1 to give Denmark a chance of qualification with one game to go.

Tim – Is it wrong to want a grown man to cry? 0-0 with Ronaldo blubbering at the end as he realises he can’t do it all himself.

Predictions: FIFA 1-2; Chris 1-1; Tim 0-0; James 2-2;

Netherlands v Germany

James – Big game. BIG GAME. It’s hard to think of two nations who hate each other more in international football. Germany would obviously be happier with a draw than the Dutch, but, once again, I think this will finish 2-2 with the Netherlands deserving the win for being more industrious and determined but getting picked off cheaply at the back by their more composed and clinical opponents. On the FIFA simulation this one finished 1-1.

Chris – From being one of the pre-tournament favourites, the Netherlands now find themselves in the position of being in a must not lose game already. The chances were there in the first game but just not converted. In contrast Germany logged an efficient 1-0 and will hope for similar here. I can see Van Persie back on song here and making the difference with a 2-1 to the Dutch.

Tim – Blockbuster. 3-2 to the Netherlands who will come from 2-1 down

Predictions: FIFA ; Chris 1-2; Tim 3-2; James 2-2;

Group C

Italy v Croatia

James – Yet another fascinating game on the cards here. A draw doesn’t do either too much harm and I think that’s what we’ll get in a game where fear of defeat stifles what could have been more of a spectacle. I’m going 1-1. FIFA’s plumped for 2-1 Italy.

Chris – Croatia showed their potential in their game against Ireland but they will find a much sterner test here. For their part Italy held their own in a draw with the reigning world and European champions. I think Croatia may well show more attacking spirit but will leave themselves open to the counter attack which the Italians will execute with great efficiency. 1-0 to Italy.

Tim - I’m also going for 1-1, bad boy Bollotelli will either score or get sent off, or both.

Predictions: FIFA 2-1; Chris 1-0; Tim 1-1; James 1-1;

Spain v Rep. of Ireland

James – Spain started their first game without a recognised striker on the pitch, and when they finally brought on Fernando Torres, they still didn’t have a recognised striker on the pitch. In an embarrassingly one sided game on FIFA, Ireland finished with 9 men and 4 goals against. I’m not sure Spain have that much of a cutting edge, even if they do play with at least one forward this time. (How is Llorente not playing? Has he done a John Terry with Del Bosque’s wife?)  2-0.

Chris – Ireland’s best chance of a point from the tournament has unfortunately been and gone with their loss to Croatia. Spain will be looking to improve on their opening draw and recognised striker or not their movement will prove too much for the Irish to cope with. 3-1 Spain.

Tim – 4-0. Viva Espana. Rep of Ireland won’t be able to cope with Spain’s flowing football, and gaps between defenders will be easier to come by than in the Italy game. After this game most people will be back to predicting Spain as tournament winners. Rep of Ireland won’t have a shot on target.

Predictions: FIFA 4-0; Chris 3-1; Tim 4-0; James 2-0;

Group D

Ukraine v France

James – This is a tough one to call. FIFA has it as a 2-0 win for France, but I think it’s going to be tighter than that. Ukraine have some serious momentum after their comeback win against Sweden, but France need it that bit more. 2-1 to the French.

Chris – Based on their overall performance France will have been happy with their first game result, but not as happy as the co-hosts with their comeback against Sweden. France showed signs of weakness against England and a team with a greater cutting edge may have taken a win from them. Shevchenko has the opportunity to make this tournament his international swansong and I can see his goalscoring form continue as Ukraine march on and France suffer a major slip up. 2-1 Ukraine.

Tim - Buoyed by their opening win Ukraine will hold France to a 1-1 draw in a re-run of the England game.

Predictions: FIFA: 0-2; Chris 2-1; Tim 1-1; James 1-2;

Sweden v England

James – After a hard fought point against France, the signs look slightly ominous for England here against a nation who’ve historically caused us headaches and who need at least a draw to keep them alive for the third round of group matches. Hodgson won’t risk playing two out-and-out strikers (although I think he should), but, I’m going for an England win 2-1 with Welbeck and Young getting the goals. In the FIFA game for this one, Gerrard put England in front, Ibrahimovic levelled for the Swedes and then, in the 88^th minute, Scott Parker brought down the big AC Milan striker inside the area when he was clean through on goal. Parker saw red for his troubles, Ibrahimovic thwacked his penalty against the bar and the match finished 1-1. Eventful! 

Chris – Sweden will not have been happy with the way they allowed Ukraine back into their first game and will look to put in a more solid showing this time around. England, looking to build on their draw with France will still miss the goalscoring potential that Rooney would have given them. 1-1 again for England to create a tense final group game against Ukraine to qualify.

Tim – The late introduction of Big AC won’t even be enough to break the deadlock in a frustrating 0-0 characterised by missed chances. After 25 minutes the ‘we miss Wayne Rooney’ love-in will begin. 

Predictions: FIFA 1-1; Chris 1-1; Tim 0-0; James 1-2;

So, there you have it. We’ll be back again on 16^th June with our predictions for the third and final round of group games. Hope you continue to enjoy the Euros.

FIFA 12: UEFA Euro 2012 Predict-o-rama - Round 1

With Euro 2012 upon us, I thought it might be fun (and foolish…in fact, mainly foolish) to have a crack at trying to predict the outcome of all of the matches in the tournament. To fully get the competitive juices flowing, however, what I really needed was someone (or something) that would provide a serious challenge. Thankfully, the excellent UEFA Euro 2012 downloadable add-on to FIFA 12 is about as close as anyone is going to scientifically simulating each of the matches ahead of time. And to spread out the embarrassment, I’ve also roped in my brother, Tim, and my good friend Chris to turn the contest into a tense, winner-takes-all Fatal Four-Way UEFA Euro 2012 Predic-arama.  

The rules are simple: 3 points if you predict the outcome of a match exactly right (e.g. you say England will beat France 2-0 and they do). 1 point if you get the result right but the score wrong (e.g. you say England and France will draw 2-2 and they actually draw 1-1).

Alright, so let’s kick things off with our predictions for the first round of group matches:

Group A

Poland v Greece

James: Ok, here we go guys. Not the most thrilling of opening games in the history of international football tournaments. Here’s my killer stat: Of all the teams that finished top of their qualifying groups, Greece scored the fewest goals. Their successful Euro 2004 model of play (1 up front, everyone else – players, coaching staff, fans, massive national debt – behind the ball) is still in full effect. They’re so deathly dull, rumour has it they’ll be arriving for their games in a hearse rather than a team bus. You can get ridiculously long odds of 20/1 on them scoring 2 goals in this game. I’m not sure they’re capable of 2 goals in the whole tournament. That said, for obvious reasons, they don’t concede a lot and Poland will be desperate not to lose. They haven’t played a competitive game in 2 years and while Lewandowski’s a good striker, he’s not got the Dortmund midfield to put chances on a plate for him here. FIFA’s going for a 1-1. I’m going 0-0. What do you guys think?

Chris: I’m going for a 0-1 to Greece here. They may be low scorers but Poland are the lowest ranked team in the finals and I don’t see home advantage helping them too much. A dour one-nil to get the tournament off to a flyer!

Tim: Cagey.  Hyper-tension meets hyper-inflation as both teams try to avoid disappointing their fans.  Few chances but Poland will take the lead only to have their wild celebrations cut short by a late Grecian equaliser. 1-1.

Predictions – FIFA: 1-1; Chris: 0-1; Tim: 1-1; James: 0-0;

Russia v Czech Rep.

James: Alright, this is a bit better. Russia were decent, especially defensively, in qualifying, but really didn’t play anyone of the kind of calibre their going to be facing here. They did, however, beat an Italian side in minor turmoil 3-0 in a friendly last week in Italy. The Czech’s aren’t the team they were a few years ago. Their golden generation made up of the likes of Nedved and Jan Koller has slipped quietly away. I think this comes down to a straight battle between Rosiky and Baros for the Czech’s and Arshavin and Kerzhakov for the Russians. I’m saying it ends 2-2. The simulated game on FIFA finished 3-3. Thoughts please.

Chris: I’m thinking a 2-1 to Russia here. Both teams had little stumbles in qualifying and both have decent attacks but I see the Czech Republic as a little more fragile defensively. I can see a late winner for Russia when the Czech’s lose concentration.

Tim: National pride will get in the way of decent defending; this could also get a bit tasty. It will finish 2-2 giving us all hope that this could be really exciting tournament.

Predictions – FIFA: 3-3; Chris: 2-1; Tim: 2-2; James: 2-2;

Group B

Netherlands v Denmark

James: I have to say I feel slightly sorry for Denmark. They were extremely efficient in qualifying (topping a group that also contained Portugal), but I think getting out of the GoD (Group of Death) is going to be too big of an ask.  Especially as they they’re immediately thrown to the wolves (or some other scary creature native to Holland…Um… tulip monsters?) against the free flowing, free scoring Dutch. The FIFA game played out 4-0 to the Netherlands (Van Persie 2, Sneijder, Hunterlaar), I’m going 3-1 Holland. What say you?

Chris: The Netherlands are flying and for me a tournament favourite. They’ve often failed to deliver when it comes to major finals but this could be their time. I don’t see Denmark getting on the scoresheet and see a 3-0 to the Netherlands.

Tim: Schexsy football and an efficient defensive performance will see the Dutch run away as 3-0 winners. Could this be their year? Denmark, on the other hand, are spearheaded by Nicolas Bendtner.

Predictions – FIFA: 4-0; Chris: 3-0; Tim: 3-0; James: 3-1;

Germany v Portugal

James: The thing with Portugal is, they’re never quite the sum of their parts. Their squad list stands up against that of any other team in the tournament, but when they try and bring all their undeniably talented individual stands together, they just end up tying themselves in knots. As for the Germans, what can you say? Wow, just wow. On paper, one of the three favourites (along with Spain and Holland). I’ve got Germany winning 3-1. FIFA says 2-1 to the Germans. What are you going for?

Chris: As with Holland, Germany are pretty much unstoppable and have had a massively successful qualifying campaign. I can’t see Portugal stopping that momentum given their defensive frailty and see 2-0 to Germany here.

Tim: Portugal have  enough talent in their locker to score a goal, but that won’t be enough to see off the German machine. Vorsprung Durch Teamwork. 2-1 to Germany.

Predictions – FIFA: 2-1; Chris: 2-0; Tim: 2-1; James: 3-1;

Group C

Spain v Italy

James: In something of a minor surprise, the FIFA game between these two ended up 1-1, with Italy producing some heroic last ditch defending on more than one occasion, but also providing a threat on the counter attack. I have to say, I think that’s a great shout. I know domestically they’re currently embroiled in their latest match fixing soap opera, but making games tight and difficult is in the Italian national DNA. Spain often start tournaments slowly and I think lots of teams will try and stop them in the way various club sides have found success stifling Barcelona. The difference here is that, with the likes of LLorente, while they’re minus a Messi, they have more presence in the box. For that reason, I’m saying 2-1 Spain.

Chris: With both teams unbeaten in qualifying and Spain taking a 100% success rate, this is going to be interesting. The controversy in Italy will probably lessen expectations on the squad and may take some pressure off them. The Italian defense is as tight as ever and I actually agree with the FIFA game on this and predict a 1-1.

Tim: One for the purists.  Pass-pass-pass, catenaccio-cattenaccio-cattenaccio. Spain will frustrate with their lack of end product, Italy will frustrate with their lack of will to do any serious attacking. It will be hyped up and thoroughly underwhelm. 0-0.

Predictions – FIFA: 1-1; Chris: 1-1; Tim: 0-0; James: 2-1;

Rep. of Ireland v Croatia

James: I’m really sad Ivica Olic is out of the tournament through injury. I think he’s an incredibly industrious little striker and a great finisher in the box as well. Despite that, Croatia are one of my two dark horses for the tournament, so I’m still going for them. I think they’ll win 2-1 in something of a heartbreaker for the Irish. Trapattoni’s been around so long, I think the first time he coached Italy they were still playing their home games at The Coliseum.  He’ll set them up well, I’m just not sure they have a plan B. FIFA says 2-2.

Chris: Both teams had similar records from qualifying and I think Olic will be a major loss for Croatia. This will be the fixture the Republic will hope to get the most out of though I think the best they will manage will be a 1-1 to keep the group tight and interesting.

Tim: I’ve also gone for 1-2, a plucky performance by the Irish, ending in tears with a late Jelavic winner.

Predictions – FIFA: 2-2; Chris: 1-1; Tim: 1-2; James: 1-2;

Group D

France v England

James: Purely for the purposes of self-interest, we actually simulated this game twice, once with Ashley Young playing off Andy Carol, and a second time with him playing off Danny Welbeck. In the first game, the French central defenders had a real struggle marshalling Carol and England ended up winning 2-1. With Welbeck up front, they found thing much easier and France were victorious 1-0. So, Roy, if you’re reading this, there you go, some scientific data to ease your selection headaches. I actually think England will score. The problem is, I think France (and, more specifically, Benzema) will get two.

Chris: A 100% record from 2 friendly games is nothing to boast about for England and Roy Hodgson especially when you look at the difference in standards now. France are starting to show signs that their rebuilding work is coming to fruition and I think England’s low expectations will be even lower after this game.  France 2 England1.

Tim: As usual England will be well organised but not very good in position. France will be less well organised but much better in possession, and will look threatening whenever they get in England’s half. They’ll be a penalty in this game and it will finish 1-1, which we’ll happily take until we fail to get what we need against Sweden.

Predictions – FIFA: 1-2 or 1-0; Chris: 2-1; Tim: 1-1; James: 2-1;

Ukraine v Sweden

James: I have to confess, I don’t have England making it out of Group D. The reason for this, is that Sweden are my other tournament dark horses. I think they’ll beat the Ukraine here 2-0 draw with England and draw with France. FIFA played out a 2-2 draw here. What are you guys thinking?

Chris: Despite Sweden looking like the favourites in this match i think it will be Ukraine and not Poland that will benefit most from host advantage. Sweden can be prone to stumble when at this stage and despite the loss of a keeper and defensive lynchpin I can see a surprise 1-1 draw for Ukraine with former Liverpool predator Andriy Voronin stealing a point and keeping alive England’s hopes of progressing after their defeat to France.

Tim: Sweden only turn up to annoy us. That said, Ukraine will be hindered by the added pressure of hosting the tournament so this will finish 0-0.

Predictions – FIFA: 2-2; Chris: 1-1; Tim: 0-0; James: 2-0;

We’ll be back on Tuesday 12^th June with our predictions for the second round of group matches. Until then, hope you enjoy the start of Euro 2012.

E3 2012: Microsoft Press Conference - Minute by minute recap

Alright, he we go. E3 2012. It’s like a weeklong Christmas for the video games industry. The promise of lots of exciting new things to play with being unwrapped and unveiled, followed by the crushing disappointment when you realise there’s very little worth living for and you end up standing at the roadside outside your house hurling drunken obscenities at passing cars and singing “I’m Sexy and I Know It” with your pants round your ankles. Well, that’s how I spend my Christmases. And to think, some of my neighbours call me a loser. When was the last time they were the lead story on the local news?

Anyway, enough about the serious issues in my private life, back to the show. Microsoft has the honour of throwing out the ceremonial first pitch this year, so what can we expect? A new console? Highly unlikely until this time next year. Instead, we’re almost guaranteed to see some of the brightest sparks from the dying embers of this console generation. I’m going with Black Ops 2 to open, Halo 4 to close and some Gears of War and Forza in the middle, plus the usual slew of Kinect and multimedia announcements.

So here we go, Microsoft’s E3 2012 press conferen…sorry, global media briefing. That sounds ominously like something a terrorist organisation would hold right before they were about to do something really despicable. Like unleash a demo of Kinectimals 2, the video gaming equivalent of Sarin nerve gas.   

1^st Min – Lights out. Live action trailer. This looks expensive. Really expensive. There are a ton of actors in this who may have, at one point or another, played a corpse in an episode of CSI. That’s how expensive it is. It’s spacey. There’s a huge starship…No wait, its Bill Gates’ giant wallet floating through space before being sent crashing out of the sky and on to a distant planet by a mysterious force.

2^nd Min – Ah, there’s Master Chief. He’s on the trail of Bill’s giant space wallet. Clever lad. That Spartan armour polish doesn’t come cheap.

3^rd Min – Of course, this is Halo 4. 343 Studios first shot at a Halo game after taking over the reins from Bungie. It looks…like a Halo game on a current generation console. Unlike the last few Halos then, which looked like Halo games running on last generation consoles.

4^th Min – In fact, what it looks most like is the start of Halo 3: lush jungle, small Covenant minions that Chief dispatches with ease…

5^th Min – ...But wait, what was that? New enemies. Big orange glowing robot-like things. Wickedly fast. It take’s Chief some time and more than a considerable degree of effort to put one down. Chief picks up the dropped weapon. It assembles itself in his hand in a very cool way. Cortana says she recognises the design: Forerunner.

6^th Min – Cut to a cinematic. Cortana’s dying, or the AI equivalent of dying: deteriorating. “An ancient evil awakens” says the on-screen text. What, Bill Gates has used his giant space wallet to resurrect Sir Jimmy Savile to be the bad guy in Halo 4?

7^th Min – So that was Halo 4 (no release date, unless I missed one), and here comes Don Mattrick (President of Interactive Entertainment) onto the stage. If Tom Cruise was an aging lounge room singer, he’d be Don Mattrick. I like Don a lot.

8^th Min – Don spends some time telling us how great the Xbox 360 is and how much better it’s going to get. Call me a crazy old conspiracy theorist, but I think someone at Microsoft might have gotten to Don and paid him to say that.              

10^th Min – Next game. Middle Eastern looking setting. An injured soldier being carried by another into a tent. The carrier’s face is hidden behind a headscarf. There are more men inside the tent. Lots of foreign chatter.  A marker icon appears above the head of each man. I’ve seen those icons somewhere before…Bam! Bam! Bam! Everyone’s dead, except headscarf man, who turns out to be Sam Fisher (albeit with what appears to be a different voice; not that of a man who sounds like he’s been gargling quarry water. Has Michael Ironside been replaced?)

12^th Min – It’s Splinter Cell: Blacklist. A group of rouge nations have all clubbing together to launch a series of terrorist attacks called the Blacklist. It’s Sam’s job to stop them. The ‘Mark and Execute’ feature is back and better than ever thanks to ‘Killing in Motion’, a new mechanic that allows Sam to down enemies without pausing or missing a beat. It’s far cooler than I can describe here (if you know what you’re doing). It looks like Jack Bauer on his holidays: slick and brutal.

14^th Min – I’ve lost count of the number of guys Sam’s stabbed in the neck. He’s like a Special Op’s Sweeney Todd. He also scampered up a sheer rock face Nathan Drake-style and you can use Kinect voice commands to distract enemies and call in air strikes. It’s out Spring 2013.

16^th Min – Next on stage is Andrew Wilson of EA Sports.

17^th Min – He’s eulogising about new Kinect integration in EA Sports titles. In FIFA you’ll be able to use voice commands to make substitutions, change formations and swear at the ref. (It should be called ‘Neil Warnock mode’, except Neil Warnock doesn’t have any tactics. Apart from swearing at the ref, of course).

19^th Min – Now legendary San Francisco 49’s quarterback Joe Montana has joined Andrew on stage to show how you can use Kinect to call out plays and audibles in Madden 13.

21^st Min – “That brings back some great memories”, says Joe. Perhaps it might be useful for many of Joe’s peers who took so many brutal hits during their careers that their brains are now fried and they’re suing the NFL.

22^nd Min – Next up is a trailer for Fable: The Journey. A man who looks far too old to be playing Fable: The Journey plays Fable: The Journey. It’s got the trademark Fable cartoon aesthetic to the visuals. It’s for Kinect. It looks like its on-rails (at least partially). You use your body to throw blasts of magic at enemies on screen. The guy is making Ryu-from-Street-Fighter-style moves with his body. There’s no one else with him. Perhaps this is why his family left him.

24^th Min – A couple of trailers next. First, one for the new Gears of Wars: GoW: Judgement. It’s very short. No gameplay, no Marcus, no Dom, no Cole Train, just Baird being put on trial by the Locust. I’m not sure he’s getting a fair hearing here. He doesn’t seem to have any kind of legal representation. Where’s the nearest Citizens Advice Bureau when you need one?

25^th Min – Now a trailer for Forza Horizon. Once again, no gameplay. Colorado is the setting, the scenery is beautiful. A group of cars are racing each other to get to a race!!?? Day turns to night, countryside turns to city, poppy tunes turn to Dubstep. (If you had the 26^th minute in the Dubstep sweepstake, congratulations, you win the ultimate Dubstep fan prize: Cliff Richard’s Greatest Hits. Feel those heavy drops). Forza’s’s out October 23^rd.

27^th Min – Ok, Yusuf Medhi (Head of Marketing and Strategy) is next on deck. He’s here to talk to us about…Oh God, it’s bloody Bing. (If you had the 27^th minute in the Bing sweepstake, congratulations, you win the ultimate Bing fan prize: Cliff Richard’s Greatest Hits – Warning, you may have to fight a violently enraged Dubstep fan to the death to claim your prize).

30^th Min – Yusuf’s now running through a shopping list of new Xbox partners including BBC, Nickelodeon, Paramount Movies, MLB, NBA, NHL, ESPN (no NFL Sunday Ticket though). (Please note, all of these may not be available in your territory. Please note, unless you live in the US, none of these will be available in your territory. Well, maybe the odd one).

34^th Min – Music next. Finally coming to Xbox, “the music service you’ve always dreamt of”. Strange, I’ve never once dreamt of a music service. Most of my dreams involve me inventing the music service that everyone has always dreamt of – and then selling it to Microsoft for shares in Bing. Anyway, Xbox Music looks like it wants to be iTunes meets Facebook. So probably best not to think about floating it on the stock market.

35^th Min – What’s that I hear you cry? “Where’s my Xbox 360 exclusive fitness software program set up in conjunction with a leading worldwide manufacturer of sports clothing and equipment?” Well, it’s here and it’s called Nike+ Kinect Training. It’s the Kinect-based, Nike designed fitness service you’ve always dreamt of. Brought to you by the same company who gave you the Bing-based, iTunes-like music service you’ve always dreamt of.

39^th Min – Basically, it looks a lot like all the other fitness games on the market, especially the ones that already use Kinect. The partnership with Nike, however, means it looks extra comprehensive and hardcore. In short, if you’re seriously into your fitness, this is probably going to be the one to get.

42^nd Min – Marc Whitten (Head of Xbox Live) is now out to introduce us to, “A breakthrough in entertainment that makes all your devices work together intelligently”. I’d wager it’s going to be some form of Robo-butler. No, wait, it’s Xbox SmartGlass.

43^rd Min – SmartGlass is a system that links your 360, TV, tablet and phone. Marc’s watching a film on his tablet which he then transfers to his TV to continue watching right from the point he left off. At the same time, his tablet changes to show information about the film: cast list, characters etc.

44^th Min – Marc’s now watching an episode of Game of Thrones on his TV while his tablet is showing him…wait for it…a map of the Game of Thrones world so he can see exactly (and I mean exactly) where the action on screen is taking place. I’m not sure if this is a terrible application of an interesting idea, or an interesting application of a terrible idea. It’s like NASA building a space shuttle and then using it to fly to the shops and back.

45^th Min – Now a video showing game applications for SmartGlass. You play games on your 360 and TV as normal and your tablet acts as a companion device. Changing and running a play in Madden using your tablet. Accessing Halo Waypoint and seamlessly setting up and switching to a multiplayer match using your tablet…I hope you have a tablet.

47^th Min – Marc’s still going strong. Thanks to SmartGlass, he can now use his phone as a remote control…

49^th Min – Now he’s announcing Internet Explorer is coming to 360. The first browser that actually works on your TV, or something. I swear, I’m losing the will to live here…

51^st Min – …HE’S STILL GOING. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I’ve got my cyanide capsule between my teeth and my revolver to my head. I feel I should record some kind of final video message for my family, but my iPad’s stuck on a frigging Game of Thrones map.

52^nd Min – Oh, thank God, it’s over. Here’s Crystal Dynamics with the new Tomb Raider. I think it’s fair to say that at last year’s E3 the Tomb Raider demo met with some negative feedback due to its reliance on quick time events and moments when it teetered on the edge of torture porn.

54^th Min – This looks much better. Mountainous jungle setting, Lara taking out bad guys with a crossbow, flying down zip lines. Wow, she’s setting light to arrows now and setting guys on fire. “I’m on fire” one shouts. He better hope Crystal Dynamics haven’t done a 38 Studios with their employee health insurance plan.

56^th Min – It’s not all one way traffic, though. Lara gets swept over a waterfall and down some rapids. She’s taking what Bjorge Lillelien would describe as, “One hell of a beating”. She lands in an old aeroplane balanced perilously on the edge of another huge drop. She just manages to grab a parachute as it falls and part glides, part crash lands to the ground hitting trees as she goes. It looks like Uncharted meets The Hunger Games, meets St Trinian’s. The first piece of DLC will be available first on 360.

58^th Min – Phil Spencer’s just announced that the next three titles we’re going to see are all world premier exclusives. This could be huge…

59^th Min – …The first game is Ascend: New Gods. It’s from Signal Studios (the guys who made Toy Soldiers). It’s a God of War meets Warhammer knock off (God of Warhammer?). It’s out next year.

60^th Min – Second game…I’m not sure. I think it’s called LocoCycle, but it might be called Iris. No gameplay, just some sweeping shots of a Tron-style bike while a computerised woman’s voice talks about assassination over the top. It’s from Twisted Pixel. It’s coming in 2013.

61^st Min – Third game. It’s from Gore Verbinski (Pirates of the Caribbean, Rango). It’s all very futuristic. It looks like Wheatley from Portal 2 playing Marble Madness inside Tron. (Those Microsoft guys, they love their Tron, eh). It’s called Matter. No gameplay (again). Oh crap, it’s for Kinect.

62^nd Min – …When you heard me say back at minute 58 that, “This could be huge”, what I actually said was, “This could be hugely underwhelming”. You just moved on before I had the chance to finish.

63rd Min – Right, business is about to pick up. Here comes Resident Evil 6. Urban setting. Cars and buildings on fire. Lots of brain dead humans groaning and milling around. Is this set during last year’s London riots? There’s Leon. Leon, for the love of God, hide your PSP. They’re coming for your PSP!

64^th Min – Leon helps an injured woman to her feet. Now there’s a helicopter shooting at him. He rolls on the ground before ducking down an alley. He’s on his way to try and rescue some survivors, shooting zombies with his pistol and shotgun as he goes or dispatching them with his knife or grenades. The woman he helped still seems to be with him and carrying her own gun. She’s never on screen though and doesn’t seem to be helping Leon clear a path.

65^th Min – Leon’s movements look fluid. He gazes out on a burning cityscape. “What happened Chris?” he asks out loud. (I assume he’s referring to Chris Tarrant…or Redfield, it could be Chris Redfield…It would be better if it was Tarrant, though…The Tarrant Tyrant would be a great final boss).  Now he’s hand-to-hand fighting with some zombies then dishing out some duel-wielding pistol damage before fleeing a massive explosion as a fighter jet falls out of a high rise building.

66^th Min – Chris and the girl jump onto a helicopter just in time to avoid the flames. But the helicopter’s going down. The pilot’s dead…no wait…he’s a zombie. The chopper hits a train then crashes through an office building. (This is a carbon copy of my last Ryanair flight. Someone will be coming round with £10 packs of sandwiches in a minute). No wait, they’ve finally finished landing/crashing, but they’re surrounded by a sea of zombies. “Not my lucky day” mutters Leon. Well son, you go with a no frills airline and this is what you get. Sometimes you have to spend a bit to save a bit.

68^th Min – Alex Ruiz (Xbox Live Team) takes to the stage. “Imagine a game that combines giant cannons (Ok), tons of explosives (sure), massive castles infested with goblin (great)…and…the power of Kinect (damn). It’s called Wreckateer and it looks like a Fable version of Angry Birds in 3D. You use body movements to fire a large catapult and add aftertouch to shots as they fly through the air. It’s out this summer.

70^th Min – Next up is a trailer for South Park: The Stick of Truth. Needless to say, it looks genuinely funny. Full of trademark SP humour. Now here come South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone to talk about the game. Needless to say, they’re genuinely funny. They’ve been working with Obsidian to make the game look as crappy as an episode of South Park does. You play the new kid who’s moved into town and teams up with the boys for an epic adventure.

74^th Min – Harmonix logo on screen now. Is there anyone who’s not expecting this to be Dance Central 3? It is DC3. You can learn dance crazies from the past (The Hustle) and from today (The Dougie). It looks like another Dance Central. Are they going to have some sort of special feature artist this time around? I’m going to guess Steps (I believe they’re currently in the process of throwing away what little dignity they had left in the hopes of making a comeback). Excerpts from a taped interview with Usher are now being shown. (I’d like to change my guess from Steps to Usher). He explains he’s been helping with choreography…

75^th Min – …And now here he is live on stage, singing his new single, Scream, complete with dancers and a new dance routine that looks like it would be a perfect fit for a dance-based video game. (Someone at Harmonix should get his number).

76^th Min – That said, based solely on his moves here, to me he just looks to me like a sex offender with rhythm.

78^th Min – Don Mattrick’s back on stage. I wonder if Don’s an Usher fan? I reckon he could more than hold his own as a member of Usher’s dance crew. The Dougie is so 2009, the time for The Donnie is now.

79^th Min – It’s big wrap up time. Don’s talking about a new golden age for gaming. Could he have one final ace up his sleeve?...It’s The Donnie: The Video Game…No, wait….It’s Black Op’s 2.

80^th Min – We’re in downtown L.A. A squad of soldiers riding in the back of a Hummer with the US President. Apparently terrorists are turning the city into a warzone and getting her to safety is going to be tricky. (Yes, you can tell it’s a near future game because the president’s female. It was either that or a robot…or a female robot. If she does turn out to be a female robot I want it placed on record that I had that first).

81^st Min – Ok, I can now confirm this is a Call of Duty game. We’ve just had our first helicopter fall out of the sky in slow motion.

82^nd Min – Now I’m no military man (well, not that I can talk about, anyway), but I’d say judging by all the explosions around them, that this convoy’s under attack. The Hummer’s been hit, so now it’s time for the good old CoD blur-o-vision as you try to recover your senses. One of the other soldiers is shouting “Agent Jones” at you. Well, if you have lost your memory it’s not the hardest name to pick up.

83^rd Min – Jones has managed to clamber into a missile turret and is taking out enemy fighter planes. I really don’t need to describe this. It’s just page after page from the Call of Duty playbook.

87^th Min – In moments of note, Jones uses a futuristic sniper rifle to take out enemies hiding behind solid cover. There are also small flying armoured drones buzzing around at point.

89^th Min – Now Jones is hopping into a fighter jet and taking to the skies. It looks very much like the semi on-rails flying section from the original Black Op. That time you were piloting a helicopter through a jungle in the recent past. Here, you’re piloting a fighter jet through an urban jungle in the near future.

90^th Min – And that’s it. End of demo. End of press conference. Definitely not the greatest, certainly not the worst. I’m off to track down Bill Gates’ space wallet using a map on my tablet. Hope you have a great E3.